England football manager Roy Hodgson has just announced that he’s won the competition for “Scotland’s favourite Englishman.”

How do you stop an Armenian tank? You shoot the guys pushing it.

Stop poking me on Facebook uncle Brian it’s not cute anymore

If a boy put rose petals all over my bed I’d be like you’re cleaning this up I’m not cleaning this up

On your first day in the hospital kick the ass of the sickest motherfucker in there

How do you make Lady Gaga cry? You kill her family.

John Cena wakes up in a hospital Cena:”Where am I?” Nurse:”ICU” Cena:”No you don’t “

I have separation anxiety so I date a boomerang. It always comes back to me.

How do you make a woman scream for an hour after sex? You wipe your dick with her pillow

My dog can eat more condoms than your honor student.