They say jokes lessen tragedy Is that why my parents became comedians after having me?

I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.

2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby! Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it? 2: I eat it. Well that escalated quickly.

What does Santa Claus and Jared from Subway have in common? They both leave kid’s homes with empty sacks.

I was the top student at Ninja school, but I failed because they kept marking me absent.

The Chinese have the best Democracy in the World They have tiny elections every few hours. 😉 if you know what I mean

Why are black people unfair? Because they’re unfair.

What do you call a cardboard belt? A waist of paper. — ^(Credit: Shadow Warrior fortune cookie)

I was a pilot at 10 years old… It’s true! My brother would chop it and I’d pile it.

Q: What’s faster than a black man stealing a T.V? A: His brother running with the V.C.R