Did you hear a med school is accepting animals as students? They’re calling it the hippocampus.

What do you call an angry pirate? A Pirate (A mix between Pirate and Irate)

Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.

You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.

What’s a joke? My life…

Why should you never go down on a girl the morning after a night of sex? ..ever tried pulling apart a grilled cheese sandwich?

Why do dogs bury bones in the ground ? Because you can’t bury them in trees !

Please stop throwing my only possession. ~dogs everywhere

Ain’t no party like a Neal Brennan party cuz Neal Brennan quietly resents you for making a mess.

You didn’t like it. I was gunna tell u a joke about my time machine