Irony. The other day my friend was telling me that I didn’t understand what irony was. Which is ironic because we were in a restaurant.

Practice safe lunch Always use a condiment

I went to the gym the other day… …I asked the instructor could he teach me to do the splits. How flexible are you? He asked. I can’t do Tuesdays. -Tommy Cooper

Jesus: Those were the times when I carried you son Me: And when the vending machine ate my dollar? Jesus: That time you bought me a Snickers

Don’t be a doormat, be an electric fence.

What did Jesus do to lose weight? Crossfit

Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning! Me: *sobs even harder

Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy? Me neither.

Netflix is red, Xanax is blue. Put them together for a fun afternoon.

Saw my neighbor jogging at 1 am. “It’s a little late for you isn’t it?” I said. “I couldn’t sleep,” he replied. “That’s not what I meant you fat fuck.”