Don’t Invite Satan Over To Play Board Games… …because last time I did it, he took the dice we used to play Monopoly. Now I have a pair of dice lost.

Why is it called Mother Nature? Because if it were called Father Nature it would be a lot more predictable.

What’s a pirate’s greatest fear on the first date? A sunken chest with no booty.

I poured my root beer… … into a square cup, now I’m left with only beer.

Romeo possum: [kissing] You’re so hot Juliet possum: [plays dead] Romeo possum: Not cool, babe

What did the furniture salesman say when he wasn’t happy with his haircut? Its a chaise lounge.

A helium atom walks into a bar. The bartender says “get out, we don’t serve your kind here”. The helium atom did not react.

When an eel bites your thigh… …as you’re just swimming by that’s a moray.

Today I was walking past a car filled with black people and they locked the door when I got close. I felt like a badass until I realized that it was my car.

What do you do when your lawnmower stops working? Deport him