Inauguration Limerick by Stephen Colbert There once was a man named Barack Whose re-election came as a shock He raised taxes I pay And turned marriage gay And now he’s coming after your Glock

Q: How do you get a cellist to play fortissimo? A: Write ‘pp espressivo’.

What is a male pirates biggest fear? A sunken chest with no booty.

What do you call an unused piano? A keybored

A pony walks into a bar and in a soft and raspy voice says to the bartender, Gimme a beer. The bartender says, Sure buddy, sounds like you got a cough. The pony replies, I’m a little hoarse.

okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS

Roofing… That’s a bit over the top isn’t it?

My neighbor can’t understand why he just found human shit on his front porch. I can’t understand why he would use a power saw at 5:48 am.

What did Mr. T say when he saw a fat lady at the bar? I don’t hate this bar, but I pity the stool.

Donald Trump secretly wants to lose the election? If he wins, he’ll have to move into a smaller house in a black neighborhood.