Just seen an illegal Mexican boy get into a van with a pedophile. Talk about alien vs predator

Why did my girlfriend cross the road? To get back to the first shop we went to 4 fucking hours ago!

London held a monocle convention for high class members of society… … it was a respectable spectacle spectacle.

[throwing a party] I invited Judas. That okay? “Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-” *loud knock* “It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”

One out of every four people is suffering from some form of mental illness. Check three friends. If they’re OK then it’s you.

What’s the difference between a Zippo and a hippo ? Ones a little lighter

Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.

I’m glad my mom is such a bad cook If my date can eat her meatloaf with a smile, I know they’ll swallow anything.

Why was the snowman’s dog called Frost? Because Frost bites.

What’s the difference between a circus and a whore house? My dad didn’t meet my mom at a circus or take me their when I turned 5