What do you call a sleepwalking nun ? Roamin’ Catholic

Looks like it’s time to start pretending Andy Murray isn’t Scottish again…

I was dropped on my head as a baby but not as hard as the pound just dropped.

ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and… SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.

Wait, is Obama our second black President or our first black President again?

What’s Alderaan’s main export? Dead bodies.

If you want to have sex with a frog, use a condom If you want to enjoy it, rib it

What do you call the National Conference for Bridgebuilders? RubiCon.

A police man pulled me over and said “papers”. So I said “Scissors! I win” and drove off

Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires” Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR