The only thing worse than having a small penis… Is having small arms.

Hair in bun=housework Hair in ponytail=oral sex Body language is important-So he doesn’t get excited when I’m about to 2 scrub the toilet

Balloons think they’re so cool. I tried to tell one he was leaking and he just said, “Pfft.”

My parrot got himself a new suit. It’s polly ester.

So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN

Use chemicals to remove polish and no one bats an eye Use chemicals to remove the Polish and you’re literally Hitler

What’s the difference between very large building and pigeon? just one ‘s’. One is skyscraper and the other one is skycraper.

Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.

What was the favorite food of the thrifty Italian who loved contractions? A pasta free.

The best thing about hand sanitizer in hospitals isn’t the hygiene. It’s everyone walking around like they’re hatching an evil plan.