todd: *sobbing uncontrollably* me: relax it was just a little earthquake todd’s wife: he’s an etch-sketch artist. it was everything he had

Why did the lady at the bar slap the man next to her for stroking his mustache? Because in between stroking it, he said “hello, let me clear you off a place to sit.”

I told the Starbucks batista my name was Mary Krismas… They still can’t get the spelling right.

BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins. WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”

100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.

Why did the chicken cross the road? Well, he didn’t get across, but he made it to the other side.

What’s long and hard on a black man? The first grade.

If Last Names Often Come From Ancestors’ Professions… Then what the fuck was wrong with Bruce Dickinson’s family?

What’s the difference between a slice of toast and the French? You can make soldiers out of a slice of toast.

My grandfather told me this joke. A man jumps off a skyscraper. Halfway down, he says: “so far so good”