like my grandfather did, i want to die peacefully in my sleep… …not screaming and yelling like his passengers

What do you mean I’ve had enough to drink?!! Hold my beer while I fight this lamppost.

[showing my family to coworker] This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack. “You named your daughter Jack?” Nope, mittens

I always take a condom with me on a night out. Unfortunately, it is always the same one…

In general, girls don’t like to be described as “beefy”. Even if you love beef.

I believe in strict gun control [gun sneaks toward front door] Where do you think you’re going at this hour? [gun hangs head & turns around]

I don’t pay my taxes… Because I’m smart.

Well, here I am! What are your other two wishes?

[death row] Guard: alright tough guy one last meal Me: a cyanide pill Guard: what? no we want to kill you! Me: too bad Guard: aw man

When I was a kid, my parents gave me a drum set for Christmas. They let me bang them as long as it wasn’t after midnight. They always slept better after being banged.