Facebook has made me hate birthdays more than funerals.

Nurse: You can come inside now. *Stands up* *Dusts off jacket* *Straightens bow tie* *Fastens cufflinks* *Ahem* “That’s what she said”

A priest, a rapist and a pedophile walk into a bar He buys a beer.

Donald Trump and I have a lot in common People like him, but nobody knows why

Did you hear about the erectile dysfunction support group meeting? It was a total flop, nobody came.

What they say: Want a bite of my sandwich? What I hear: How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?

Engineers will get it They should call it a “Bachelor because of Science”.

What makes a joke about ISIS funny? The execution

I love Clint Westwood easterns. Especially The Bad, the Good and the Handsome.

Just saw a commercial for weight gainer pills. Have the people with this “problem” not heard of pizza and alcohol?