Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant Me: Oh my god [later that day] Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk

ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too? ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure. ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*

You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.

When I see a lovers name carved in a tree, I don’t think it’s sweet. I just think it’s surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

me: [slides bank teller a note] bank teller: what’s a “roblery”

A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, you know we’ve got a drink named after you!” The grasshopper says…. …Ralph?

I have no business with you, unless behind the bushes.

A guy asks a nurse about his wife.. guy: Nurse when do you think we can have sex? Nurse:wait I’ll just go and change.

Michigan and Ohio fought a war over Toledo… Michigan won and Ohio has to keep it.

1 in 5 American children are now on food stamps which is why we must cut food stamps to reduce their dependency on food.