How do you hide money from a Republican? Put it in a science textbook.

What do you call a blonde in a closet? Last years hide and seek champion

How can you tell male from female ants? Throw them in a bucket of water; if it floats, it’s buoyant.

I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.

It’s yellow, lives in a tree, and is very annoying? A Banananananana Banananananana!

My weightlifting trainer told me the key is “If it burns, it grows” So I lit my cock on fire

What’s the difference between a guitar and an elevator? I didn’t expose myself inside a guitar this morning.

Having a beard makes it easier to hatch a scheme, but it’s getting harder and harder to play on a public swing set by myself.

Sharks prefer Stevie Wonder to Ray Charles in a blind taste test.

Pretty sure Craigslist is just a secret genetics lab and they send out their failed experiments to come pick up the stuff you sell there.