Housekeeper >I am a wonderful housekeeper. Every time I leave a man, I keep his house.

What do you call somebody who is content being average sized? A happy medium.

[pharmacy] “Can I help you?” Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this? *lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*

Ma’am, I never said your baby is ugly. In fact, I have not even seen it. However, the aardvark in your stroller is adorable.

Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.

When I was five, my Dad put Snowballs in the blender to make a slushie… I miss snowballs, she was a good cat.

After their meal of rawmen and a cup of joe, what do cannibals use to freshen their breath? MenToes

What is the difference between a priest and a pimple? A pimple generally waits until you are a teenager before it comes on your face.

A city is only really home when you stop being mystified by its public transport system and instead are just constantly angry at it.

Q: Why do blonde’s get confused in the ladies room? A: They have to pull their own pants down.