Why do penguins never go to England? Because they’re afraid of Wales!

A celebrity died? Better take this opportunity to tell everyone a very personal story about that one time you saw them eating falafel.

I heard it took at least two elephants to make the keys on my antique piano I had no idea they were capable of such delicate work.

Dammit Springsteen, I was born in the USA too but you don’t see me making millions in monthly residuals from a 20 year old song about it.

When toddlers get naked and run around giggling, it’s “cute” and “funny” …but when I do it, I’m “drunk” and “not allowed back in Target”

What did the Japanese man say when he jumped out of Office Depot? SUPPLIES!!!

My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.

I found out when my birthday was and now I can never have a surprise party.

Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile. Robin: I’m so excited! *curtain opens* Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed… Batman: You’re welcome.

How many “friend zoned” guys does it take to change a light bulb? None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won’t screw. Edit: a word