What is white and blue and swings through the jungle? a refrigerator wearing a denim jacket

DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys

why didn’t the young bald eagle need a chaperone? he already had super-vision.

Just saw someone order a cup of water at this restaurant. Knocked it out of his hand. We’re in a drought, idiot.

My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass

Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today. Disregard this if you are in prison.

*cashier stares at obviously fake ID* you sure you’re 3? *dog panics and runs out of the store barking*

What do you call a transvestite postal worker? a mail lady

How many people does it take to screw in a light bulb? How the hell did they get inside a light bulb?

What is the difference between Donald Duck and Donald Trump? One is a cartoon character with a hot temper and the other is a duck.