My girlfriend got a dog, “Missy.” She messes inside a lot though, especially if I show too much attention to the dog.

Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.

Did you hear about the Bourne identity movie? Matt Damon returns in ……….Still Bourne

So, why were they called the dark ages? There were too many knights.

Why did my sperm cross the road? Because my wife wore the wrong socks.

I wish there was some way to get rid of the stupid apple in this caramel apple.

Someone keeps adding soil to my allotment overnight. It’s an absolute mystery as to why though. The plot thickens…

why do giraffes have long necks? because they have smelly feet!!

My main move is to say “long story short,” but then hit you with long story medium.

From my 8yo daughter: What do you call a boat made out of corn? A: A tortilla ship!