I slipped on some black ice yesterday. At first I thought it was regular ice, but when I got back on my feet, I noticed my wallet was gone.

When droid BB-8, was asked whether it should be referred to as “he” or “she”… BB-8 replied, “I roll both ways.” http://i.imgur.com/umSzUjp.gifv

Ever heard of the 68 position? You go down on me now and I’ll owe you one.

Anagram It told me to nag a ram.

Say “Oh my God” 5x fast, then say “I got ’em” 5x fast.. Have you found Jesus? Lol, jk.. But they sound pretty similar, don’t they?

If you use a wrong word in a tweet and a grammar nazi loses his shit- Try these consoling words : “Their, there, they’re. It’ll be okay”

Why do Jewish fathers have their sons circumcised? They know Jewish women can’t resist anything with 10% off.

The Republican primary race should be called “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button” It’s way too long, and the protagonists are becoming more juvenile as it goes on.

Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.

What does a scientist who has an epiphany while peeing say? Urea!