My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions

Q. What did the blonde’s left leg say to her right leg? A: Between the two of us we can make a lot of money.

What’s brown and rhymes with snoop? Dr. Dre Didn’t go over too well in r/pics.

Sending a second cup of coffee down to check on the first one to see why it’s not doing its job.

Kylo Ren: I am your father. Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said. Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Did you hear about the window installer with two penises? He was double-hung.

How do you know that Hogwarts is feminist friendly? The entrance is a dumbledore.

Are one-liners accepted? I immediately stopped telling people I was xenophobic when I realized it doesn’t mean “afraid of xenomorphs”.

Fighting a lion is on my bucket list but I should probably make it the last thing.

What did one succulent say to the other? “Aloe there”