I’m really good in bed…..I stay on my side and rarely steal all the covers.

Have any of you realized that the self checkout has the sexiest cashier’s?

I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.

Why did the elephant sit on the marshmallow? because it didnt want to swim in the hot chocolate

NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers

No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you! For all I know, you could be a vegan.

My doctor said I have high cholesterol Because my dick is too fat

Why couldn’t Luke get any sleep? Because the Force Awakens

Some dude just ran into Starbucks, grabbed coconut water yelling “white people milk” and left. Went outside, coconut water all over street

*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor* I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!