I want “Wake me if anything cool happens” on my tombstone.

The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.

How do they keep track of books at the sausage library? The Andouille Decimal System

Q: why do the gay guys like midnight? A: twelve DONGS!

What’s stronger, fifty watts of sound or fifty watts of light? I don’t care but would you please stop screaming, turning the lights on and off.

Did you hear about the Egyptian boatman who refused to believe his craft was sinking? He was in denial

What did the retail employee say to the young gang member in the fitting room? You dont fit in the hood kid.

I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.

I warned my friend that the girl he was taking home looked underage, but he said… “If there’s grass on the field, I’ll play.”

I spend so much time alone I may as well just be ugly.