Grandma got run over by a Prius. Grandma is fine. The Prius is totaled. And there’s glitter and Obama stickers everywhere. Merica.

What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut? Tug-of-whore.

Alcohol is the worst thing in the world… My friend had a lot last night and ended up saying “I love you” to his Own Wife !!!

Shit happens You know what they say: shit happens. That’s why every time something bad happens, I pray for constipation.

Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.

I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.

If you got a butcher who is 6’2, what does he weigh? Meat.

Last night I got too drunk and sensibly took a bus home Pretty proud of myself…Never drove a bus before.

What’s a Sudanese child’s favourite TV channel? Khartoum Network.

What did the chicken do when he saw a bucket of fried chicken ? She kicked the bucket !