Two potatoes on a street corner There are two potatoes on a street corner. How can you tell which one is the prostitute? It’s the one with the little sticker on it that says I-da-ho!

Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.

Yo mama’s so fat when she takes a bath she fills the tub then turns on the water.

Have you ever had sex while camping…. It’s fucking in-tents

Did you hear about the fly stuck on the toilet bowl? He got pissed off.

Nothing feels more deflating than when a dog shows zero interest in you.

Not sure if my bed is calling me or if its the girl I left handcuffed all day

Baltimore, eat a snickers. You turn into Ferguson when you’re hungry.

What did the holy shit say to the priest? I’m glad I got the hell out of there!

If you use your alarm to look for your car in a parking lot someone will eventually help you find it by yelling “It’s over here you idiot!”