Whats the difference between Caesar and Casanova? Caesar said:”I came, I saw, I conquered.” Casanova said:”I saw, I conquered, I came.”

Me: I’ve read the Bible cover to cover Her: Yeah? Prove it. M: How? H: What is the first sentence in it? M: “Do not remove from motel”

What is a Jedi’s favorite salad dressing? Skywalker Ranch.

You know that awesome feeling when you finally understand a word problem in math class? Me neither.

Shaved my 4 month old beard this morning My wife was upset, she said she really liked it. I told her I felt the same, it really grew on me over the last couple months.

Daddy, where do bananas come from? Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…

Whenever you floss, you should be allowed to go to your dentist’s house and collect an allowance.

My fire alarm keeps going off. I think it’s because my girlfriend keeps coming in. She is smoking hot.

Did you hear about the gay Irish couple? Gerald Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzgerald

My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.