Me:I need to focus on work Brain: Remember that sweet song on the radio this morning? Me:Yeah that was sweet Brain: Let’s sing that instead

I met my wife in an African Languages class We just clicked

Did you hear the joke #4126?

I added Paul walker on Xbox He spends all his time on the dashboard

Budweiser is a lot like sex on the beach; It’s fucking close to water.

*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car* Him: *Drives away* Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”

Chuck Norris was what Willis was talking about.

“You haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?” Always seems like a strange way for my wife to start a conversation with me.

When I was 6, Santa gave me coal for Christmas, so the next year I decided to get back at him and poison his cookies. Somehow, the bastard found out and killed my dad.

Walking inside a Nike store would be the worst place to contemplate suicide. Everything is saying Just Do It.