why does Snoop Dogg use and umbrella? for drizzle..

How do they cook a turkey in Russia? They nuke it. OR In Soviet Russia, Turkey fires you!

My high school bully just made my McDouble, so I guess I won; but then again I am eating at McDonald’s so I guess it’s a tie.

Her: omg, I’m SO happy for you! Me: *shaking head* No, no, no… I said I got ‘enraged’, today. Not ‘engaged’.

Kids wouldn’t stop shooting me. So I took their guns and *nerfed* them.

The coolest letter. Why is N the coolest letter? Because it’s N.Ice

Why did ebola cross the road? To infect more people and make them shit out their insides and sweat blood.

I had sex while camping yesterday. It was fucking in tents!

A Jewish boy asks his father for 50 dollars, to which he replied…. 40 dollars? what do you need 30 dollars for?

And suddenly those annoying neighbors that leave their Christmas lights up all year long look like geniuses.