Teen: Your brows are on fleek! Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek. Teen: Thanks! Me: God damn it.

My phone just replaced the word “killed” with “kilt.” Well plaid, phone… Well plaid.

Why does Mary Kay walk funny? Her lipstick

An actual quote by President George Bush “The problem with the french is that they don’t have a word for entrepreneurs”

Q: How can you tell if a cat is blonde? A: No matter what height you drop it from it always lands on its head.

What’s the worst thing about being black and jewish? Having to sit in the back of the oven.

What’s the difference between a midget and a dwarf? Very little!

Eve says to Adam ” this salad is so good” Adam says to Eve “That’s the basket with my dirty clothes”

I was looking at the menu in a restaurant wondering what the “Jeremy Clarkson Special” was Then it hit me

What’s it called when you’re using Tinder on the toilet? Swiping and wiping.