Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.

To do: 1. Read one book. 2. Ask someone if they’ve read that book. 3. Act incredulous when they say no.

A man walks into a zoo. The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog. It’s a shitzu.

If I ever commit suicide, I wanna jump off a cliff w/an open umbrella so people wonder if I thought it would bring me safely to the ground.

When I was younger, I was told that anyone could become President. Seeing Trump’s campaign, now I believe it.

Why did Bob get ‘Emo’ Grass for his lawn? Because it cuts itself.

How do you know your sister has started her period? Your Dad’s dick tastes like blood

*Follows dreams *Ends up at refrigerator.

What do you call a man with a penis in the middle of his face? Fuck nose.

Did you hear about the duck that got thrown away? He was down in the dumps.