Confucius Say Confucius say: Man who run behind bus get exhausted. Man who run in front of bus get tired.

When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.

I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy’s heading for a breakdown.

What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.

What do you call a deer missing an eye? No-eye deer.

Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.

A guy walks into a bar… The real joke is in the comments.

When my kids look back on the photos of my life they’ll think, “Wow, he wore that shirt a lot.”

Like many people, I had no idea what to do after I left school. But after thinking about it for a while, I decided to go home.

I bought some toothpaste that must have been created by God. It said on it, “Heal Thy Gums.”