I don’t know what “swag” is, but I was just told Justin Bieber & Lil Wayne both claim to have it. So, I’m assuming it’s not talent.

Meeting with a social media consultant about how to better leverage my twitter stream for optimum engagement. Kidding. Banging your mom.

VILLIAN: all this money is mine BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?

Face down, Ass up. That’s how I like to tie my shoes.

You’re only as awkward as you say you are…out loud…in front of people…who were in a private conversation…that didn’t involve you.

You all like dinosaurs…right? What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? ***A thesaurus***

Did you know fish have their own religion? It’s called “ichtheology.” They study it in school

I heard a group of pedophiles dressed up as superheroes and molested kids at birthday parties . Apparently they called themselves the Justkids League .

I have a step ladder its a nice ladder, but I wish I knew my real ladder.

Have you heard the one about the gay termite? He only eats mail boxes. (male boxes). Hmm. Works way better when told out loud.