Why is Africa hot? Because of dat Djibouti.

[Jumps into taxi] “FOLLOW…” [taxi driver turns around excitedly] “…ME ON TWITTER” [Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]

I remember how the folks on food stamps cost our country trillions by selling bets on bad mortgages to suckers. Glad they’re being punished!

INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in? ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?

Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.

Why were Ru Paul and Buffalo Bill at the park? They were at a Tucker family reunion.

Pretty much just pronouncing “Caramel” however the person I’m talking to is pronouncing it.

Why did princess Diana cross the road? Because she wasn’t wearing her seatbelt.

Most of the people dream of not working and having lots of money. During an economic crisis 50 % of those dreams came true.

An American tourist found himself in a sleepy country village and asked one of the locals the age of the oldest inhabitant. “Well sir” replied the villager “we ain’t got one now. He died last week.”