Excited for the return of Game of Thrones. Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”

Why did Sarah fall of the swing ? Q: Why did Sarah fall of the swing ? A: Because she has no arms. *knock* *knock* Q:Who’s there ? A:Not Sarah.

My girlfriend wanted a nose job for her birthday. It took me a while, but I got her off.

Why are fat people like relationships? Most of them don’t work out.

What does a Jedi say after a tragic loss of life? “May my thoughts be with them”.

International women’s day

When I was at school, the school bully used to make me rub my head against a giant piece of sandpaper. I was no match for him.

Last night I asked my wife for a 68 … She said: What that ? I said: You go down on me and I owe you one.

There are 1st, 2nd and 3rd degree murders, but why are there no 90th degree murders? Because murder is not right

*donates my body to science* Science: no thank you