Government confiscated all the syrup from a syrup factory. Owner of the factory says, “Why do you need all this syrup?” The government worker says: “That’s mollasified.”

I like my steak just how i like ISIS… DEAD

Sex is like a key and a lock. If a lock can be opened by any key, it’s useless. If a key can open any lock, that is a good fucking key.

There’s nothing like finding a screw on the floor to make me wonder for the rest of the day about what’s going to fall apart and kill me.

– Do you want to have sex? – Don’t you think you’re going a little too fast? – Do……you……want……to……have……sex?

*wife offers me a sip of her water* m: Am I gonna catch what you have? w: No m: w: m: Are you sur- w: You’re not going to get my period!

I never understood how you got dick from Richard. Apparently you just get him drunk first.

A bunch of NBA players decided to have a holiday party. They each brought a pass to dish.

Sorry for teaching your kids to yell “STRANGER DANGER” whenever you tell them they can’t have something LOL

What do you give an octomom for mother’s day? A spatula. Maybe she’ll be more responsible making dinner than making babies.