How do cows get their gossip? They herd it through the bovine.

sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth

Knock Knock Who’s there ! Baloney ! Baloney who ? Baloney chase you if you’re a matador !

When preparing blood sausage, never cook it in the same pan as crip sausage.

hoarder on TV: pls help me doc therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car

So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.

Why was the mathematician late for work? He took the rhombus.

My girlfriend told me all I could think about was sex… Fanny she should say that!

How come the only people who can open childproof lids are children? My nephew charges me two vicodin just to open the bottle.

What do you call a procrastinating woodpecker? A wouldpecker