I have constipation. ..I don’t give a shit.

Don’t pee on my leg and tell me it’s raining. I mean, c’mon. Let’s spice it up a little. Aim for my chest and call me your “naughty potty”.

A fun dream I have is to stand in the middle of Comic-Con, yell “What’s so cool about Star Wars anyway?”, then jetpack through the ceiling.

What did Little Miss Muffet and Saddam Hussein have in common? They both had curds in their whey.

Yo mamma so stupid when she heard of “orange is the new black” she thought Donald Trump became the president.

What do you call a blonde with two brain cells? Pregnant.

I saw a blind man walking down the street one morning… I saw a blind man walking down the street one morning and as he passes by a fish market, he shouts “Good morning ladies!!!”

“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.

A patient came to his dentist with problems with his teeth. Patient: Doctor I have yellow teeth what do I do? Dentist: Wear a brown tie!

What did the French philosopher say to the vegetable playing poker? All in, du thyme