I went into a haunted house today. All the ghosts ejaculated on my face. It was a bookkake.

*Speed Dating* Me: What’d you have for lunch? Her: Funny you should ask, I had this really great salad wit… Me: NEXT!!

CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas- *scuffle noises* ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?

Why did little Suzy fall off the swing? ~Why? -Because she had no arms … -Knock knock ~Who’s there? -Well, it sure as shit isn’t little Suzy

ALL THE JADED LADIES all the jaded ladies ALL THE JADED LADIES all the jaded ladies

How does the moon cut its hair? Eclipse it. Ha.

WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where? WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft

So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.

I got married to an antenna… The wedding was ok, but the reception was awesome!

Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are on an airplane. The airplane crashes. Who survives? America.