Did you hear about the neutron who was arrested? He was held without charge.

Have decided Twitter is like a good grandma. Makes dirty jokes, complains a lot, corrects your grammar, tells you who has died.

They say one in every four men is gay, so there must be one in my group of friends. I hope it’s Michael – he’s super cute.

I saw this really fit girl in the nightclub last night and she was wearing a chessboard patterned shirt….. So, I made a move on her.

An opinion without 3.14 Is just an onion… DEEP

It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.

Am I capable of premeditated murder? Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.

What do you call four Mexicans in quicksand? Quatro cinqo. EDIT: Yeah, I take French, not Spanish. 🙂

I’ve been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

Another normal evening Cook food – 30 minutes Eat it – 5 minutes Check Facebook – 1 minute Check Twitter – 8 hours