Chuck Norris is not Politically Correct. He is just Correct. Always.

Kid: Are you the babysitter? Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun! Kid: *horrified*

My grandmother would roll over. My grandmother would roll over in her trench if she knew how much I spent on her funeral.

“Will.he.was” -Will.i.am’s tombstone

Three guys are on a boat with four cigarettes, but they don’t have any matches or lighters. What do they do? They throw one cigarette overboard and the entire boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

Does syria have any walmarts? No, only targets.

Whats brown and rhymes with snoop? Dr. Dre

What’s the difference between a gorilla and an Italian in the bathtub? The gorilla gets out to shit.

Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.

When my grandad was 75 he started walking 5 miles a day. He’s 80 now and no one knows where the hell he is!