There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.

life is just a series of people giving up on you til your body gives up too but yeah sure, I’ll bring my famous guacamole to the baby shower

TIL the USS Colorado made nearly 12,000 career dives during WWII- significantly more than most modern submarines- and sunk the last Japanese warship of the war! Sorry, wrong sub 🙁

How many friend-zoned guys does it take to change a light bulb? None, they’ll just compliment it and get pissed when it won’t screw.

China has a population of a billion people. One billion. That means, Even if you’re a one in a million kind of guy, there are still a thousand others exactly like you.

Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

If Adele were a computer, what would she be? a computer.

[NSFW]What does a woman, fridge and washing machine all have in common? They all drip when they’re fucked.

I like to sneak into people’s houses and masturbate in their livingroom. …so far no ones heard me cumming.

Why couldn’t the Gorilla pitcher make it in the major leagues? His balk was worse than his bite!