What is the main reason people are voting for Brexit? When asked if they want to be economically joined with Greece, all they can say is “eeeeuuuuuuu”

On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”

What do you call the angel in charge of hydroelectrics? A God dam engineer.

“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.

When I grow up, I want to spend 1/3 of my life sleeping, 1/3 staring at a computer in a tiny cubicle and 1/3 hating myself. (realistic kid)

Q: Why did the brain cell go to the other side of the brain? A: I don’t know. It hadn’t really crossed my mind.

This one time, I cried, when my dad chopped up Onions. I loved Onions, she was such a nice, sweet, little puppy

I’m still not a member of Jem and the Holograms and that is truly truly truly outrageous.

Ambulance is spelled backwards on the front so when you look in your rearview mirror you don’t confuse it with the other giant siren cubes.

Did you hear about all the Pokemon that died in the fire? All that was left was Ash