9 out of 10 Chinese Doctor Have Cataracts… the 10th drives a Rincoln

What are mixed feelings? Watching your mother-in-law backing up towards the edge of a cliff in your new BMW.

How many emo kids does it take to change a lightbulb? Five. Four to sit in the dark and cry about it and one to write the song.

Nobody really dates anymore. You just make eye contact, text, hang out, and next thing you know all her clothes are in your closet….

What’s innuendo? It’s Italian for “suppository”.

I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.

Legend has it the “M” in MTV once stood for music.

Which is heavier: a ton of feathers or a ton of bricks? Depends on which weigh you think about it

What’s a mathematicians favourite plant? Any that has a square root!

“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.” Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea