What do you call a rooster who wakes you up at the same time every morning ? An alarm cluck !

nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half” me: [visibly confused] wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”

A wife is like a box of chocolates, you never know which of her multiple moods you’re going to get, you just better act like you love it.

Did you hear about those new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines…

My friend came up to me He said, “Can you ever remember a time where you removed a wig?” I said, “Not off the top of my head.”

Knock knock “Who’s there?” “Deja” “Deja who?” “Yeah, it’s me again. I left my purse!”

Q: How many Arians does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None: Arians aren’t afraid of the dark.

When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”

50 ft ladder. John: “Shit, I just fell off a 50 ft ladder.” Adam: “Oh no, are you okay?” John: “Yeah it’s a good thing I fell off the first step.”

What do you call an Italian guy whos afraid of cheese? Alfredo