I smoked before going to the dentist & didn’t know they would let me have laughing gas &watch Netflix Im cross faded af having the best time

The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.

GOD: there, my first animal 🙂 SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move? G:like this*shimmies* S: G:just kinda*shimmies* S:dude

If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.

Patient (to cosmetic surgeon): Will it hurt me doctor? Surgeon: Only when you get my bill Mrs Brown.

911: What’s your emergency? Me: Whatcha dooooin’? 911: Sir, are you in danger? Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly

what fandom, despite only 1 book in the franchise, has been obsesing over it since the begeinning? christianity

What’s the last thing that goes through a bugs mind when he hits a windshield? His ass.

What did the redneck get on his SATs? Barbecue sauce.

Last month, I asked my dad if I could get a tattoo. He told me to get it somewhere that didn’t matter, so I got it done in Oklahoma.