i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it

A group of protesters gather outside a physics lab “What do we want?” “Time travel” “When do we want it?” “Irrelevant”

My headphones stopped working before the warranty… I’m taking them to cord over this!

Where should we look to stem global overpopulation? The youth in Asia…..

Teacher: Who fought in the Civil War? Millennial student: Captain America and Iron Man. T: ….

Are news anchors secretly insulting you? Moron this story at 11.

A friend of mine died late last night I woke up in mourning.

Why are women like KFC? After you’ve finished with the thigh and breasts, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.

Last night my wife said that our bed had seen better days. She’s right. When she stopped at her mum’s last week, I had a threesome in it on Monday and Tuesday.

What did the car-painter say to the carpenter? “You sound just like me!”