Light a man a fire… Light a man a fire and he’ll be warm for the night. Light a man afire and he’ll be warm the rest of his life. (I know it’s a repost, but I’ve never seen the play on words, shame)

Apparently Michael Jackson was also a gifted baseball player. He was big in the minors.

I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”

Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED! Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?

What has four legs and goes “Oom! Oom!”? A cow walking backwards!

I went to a feminist picnic the other day It sucked. No one cooked or made any sandwiches.

I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.

Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME

What’s the difference between a seal and a sealion? An electron

Some people are about as useful as the “r” in February.