Rowan County Clerk Kim Davis found in contempt of court and taken into custody… …making it the first time a public sector employee has gotten in trouble for not doing their job.

Why can’t you lie to an aborted fetus? It wasn’t born yesterday.

If you’re not supposed to drink shampoo why do they make it in such pretty colors?

Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares. Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!

Some girl wanted me to take her to see 50 Shades of Grey… So I took her to Sherwin-Williams.

Acid… The taste you can see!

I would walk over Lego’s for you.

My friend told me what the Mile High Club was the other day But honestly, I don’t give a flying fuck.

Only mass transit kids will get this! We rank the top rails, the third one will shock you!

[Flight Attendant]: Would you like some headphones? [Passenger]: Yes please, but how’d you know my name was Phones?