Spilled my bottle of sleeping pills, and now they’re wide awake.

How did Jeffrey Dahmer make alphabet soup? With 26 characters he met at a party.

How was copper wire invented? A Dutchman and a Scotsman fighting over a penny.

The U.S Election is Kind of Like an Attractive Bisexual Because whether they go with a man or a woman, you know they’re fucked.

What is the difference between a pack of pygmies and a girls track team? The pack of pygmies is a bunch of cunning runts.

Why do GPSes work really well in Washington state? There are lots of Seattleites there!

I haven’t slept for three days, because that would be too long.

Kanye running for president in 2020

I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.

Clinton still leads Trump by 2! FBI Investigations.