If my teachers don’t become Ms. Frizzle anytime soon, I will just keep not paying attention.

“Vodka martini. Shaken not stirred.” “So just the normal way you make a martini then?” “That’s right.”

*interrupts dinner “IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”

I offended someone with a joke about molestation. I forgot it’s a touchy subject.

What do gay zombies say? Heeeeyyyyrrrrrrraaarrrrrgggggg.

If I got $1 every time a woman said I was’t her type, I could lead in the Republican Primary polls.

“Look slightly worried.” – picture advice from The Singer/Songwriter’s Handbook

Did you hear about Taco Bell’s new sauce? It’s picked-out daily south of the border.

Why did the redneck cross the road? To get to the oth-TONY STEWART

‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.