So this guy is making a construction joke… But he’s still working on it.

Did ya’ hear about the bear that tried to fly from British Columbia to New York? They wouldn’t let him bring his carrion. Sorry.

[Water cooler] -Looks like you had a wild weekend! How’d you get the scratches? *flash back to me bathing my cat* -Uh, this chick bro. Yeah.

Why did Yewtree arrest the husband-to-be at the celebrity wedding of the year? They wanted to make sure he’d never been a groom.

*at a funeral* haha. they should have provided SOUL food, lol. *nudges crying lady next to me* hey. they should have had SOUL food here haha

Drinking light beer is like having sex in a canoe… … fucking near water

Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.

Bank robbers give a bad name to people who just want to deposit their check with a mask on.

How can you teach your child about adversity if you don’t leave a diaper unchanged once in a while?

Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.